How should you decide what you do or don’t do in your physical relationship before marriage? Here is a principle which can help you create your own guidelines.
- The longer your “ no big deal” list is before marriage the shorter your “ very special” list will be after marriage.
We should base our decisions of what we do and don’t do in our physical relations on a desire to maximise the joy and pleasure of sex within marriage.
Many couples who spend much of the dating and courtship phases convincing themselves that things like kissing and sexual touching are “no big deal”. When they finally reached the marriage bed, there is very little left that can be considered unique and special to marriage. They are the one to lose!
Kissing- Big deal or not
Kissing is meaningless in any relationship apart from a relationship where there is true love. Another thing you should understand is the progressive nature of sexual involvement. Once you start kissing, you want to move on. When a man and a woman’s lips meet and their tongues penetrate to each other’s mouths, their process of becoming one has begun. We must view kissing as the whole package of sexual union. You should not dissect the sex act into stages so you could justify enjoying more and more of lovemaking outside of marriage.
Many Christian couples are convinced that sex should be saved for marriage. Unfortunately this really means is that, they are saving intercourse for marriage. Do you see how foolish this is? Sex is so much more than just penetration. As John White puts it, “Defining coitus in terms of penetration and orgasm has as much moral significance and as much logical difficulty as trying to define a beard by the number of hair on a chin”. He goes on to reveal just how silly it is to try to break the passion of lovemaking into stages.
We know that experts used to distinguish light petting from heavy petting and heavy petting from intercourse. But is there any moral difference between two naked people in bed petting each other to orgasm and another two having intercourse? Is the one act a fraction of an inch less sinful than the other?
Is it perhaps more righteous to pet with clothes on? If so which is worse, to pet with clothes off or to have intercourse with clothes on?
I am not being so crude. If we pursue the argument far enough, we will see that an approach to the morality of premarital sex that is based on the details of behaviour ( kissing, dressing and undressing, touching, holding, looking ) and parts of the body ( fingers, hair, arms, breasts, lips, genitals ) can satisfy only a Pharisee. A look can be as sensual as a touch, and a finger brushed lightly over a cheek or a friendly hug as erotic as penetration.
The problem among Christians is that “we don’t accept sexual intimacy as a whole package”. They must understand the beginning and the ending of passion are inseparable. Jesus categorically said that “if you look at a woman with lust in the heart, you have already committed adultery (fornication). (See Mathew 5: 28)
Kissing, which quickly turns passionate, when you are in love, carries a current intended to light a fire. In the Old Testaments the Hebrew word for kiss (nashaq ) is derived from the primary root meaning “ to kindle”. Dedicated Christians who want to obey God should not open the matchbox. We cannot make certain parts of sexual intimacy meaningful and others meaningless- it is all precious! It is as ridiculous to say, “It is just a kiss” as it is to say, “It is just intercourse!” They are both part of the amazing and mysterious gift of sex, which God created so that husband and wife can become “one flesh”. Let us treat it all as precious!
Good in Bed (The Devil’s lie)
The Devil has put some fear in many Christians men and women that if they do not have sex before marriage, they will be clumsy and inexperienced on the wedding night. Many ruthless, devilish men and women propagate this idea among their colleagues so that they can get companions when they go to hell fire. Clumsy and inexperienced indeed! Guess what? It is okay to be clumsy and inexperienced. It means you need to devote a lot of time to practice after the wedding. Ignorance, godless people say that without some form of physical interaction before marriage, there could be a damaging effect on our sex life after marriage. Don’t buy that devils lie.
There is no rule that says newlyweds should have sex in their first night together. They can take as long as they need to get used to kissing and touching each other. They can grow accustomed to being naked together. They don’t have to have intercourse immediately. They can warm up slowly.
They point is that, the focus of both people (especially the man) should be on serving the other person, not demanding gratification. Part of the beauty of a Christians marriage between two partners who have not known each other sexually is the discovery and mutual learning experience. You don’t have to be “an expert in bed” when you get married. Who cares if you or your partner can have the “ultimate orgasm” if neither of you truly care about each other?
You may ask, will we be compatible? If you love each other and you are willing to learn and gently respond to the desires of your lover, yes, you will be. Only selfishness and sin make two people sexually incompatible.
Rose Corner
…with Rose Hansey
