- Communication between spouses
In (Isaiah 1:18) God appeals to us, “come now, and let us reason together… though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be as wool. If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land.” God calls us to come and reason with Him so He can free us from our sins, free us to enjoy the good of the land. He understands that initially we might not see everything His way, but after He has lovingly explained the error of our ways, we will willingly respond out of the love we have for Him. When we respond to His call to repentance, the barrier between us and God is broken. He gains a new child in the kingdom and we gain limited access to Him and freedom from sin.
In human communication, each person usually has a personal agenda he or she wishes the other person to line up with. It becomes the focus of the conversation, often without any thought being given to the other person’s feelings or wishes. Anger stems from what we view as our violated rights. Impasses in relationships come from failing to recognise the right of others and failing to respect the other person’s feelings.
The most common complaint between men and women who are struggling to communicate with one another is, “He (or she) doesn’t understand me!” When it comes to getting our needs across to the men in our lives, there is no time for “me, me, me.” one of the first things counsellors teach about communication skills is never say “you do this” or “you make me feel like that.” Instead we are to say “I feel this way when this or that happens.” This eliminates accusation. It frees the other person to respond to what you have experienced. It enables him (or her) to know what his (or her) role was in the misunderstanding. Accusation, on the other hand puts the other person on the defensive, which usually accomplishes nothing or the wrong thing.
- Speaking in love
Wife, when you present your opinions and requests to your husband, do you speak the truth in love? Is your speech always with grace, seasoned with salt, with life-preserving words? It is not what you say, but how you say it that makes the difference. Men respond to needs, not to demands. This is a hard lesson for many a liberated woman to learn. For every woman in need, there will be a man somewhere close by being moved by her need. Men like to fix things, it is in their nature. It gives them the chance to rise to the occasion and be men.
- Listening is very important
Do you take the time to listen? Are you willing to really hear what the other person is saying? Are you so lost in the land of “me” that you don’t hear what the other person is asking or telling you? Even though what you have in your mind is extremely important, do not monopolise the conversation.
- Timing is everything
At the end of a hard day, before dinner, is not a good time to launch into what you want, what you need, what you have got to have. Save it for a quality quiet time when there is nothing else screaming for attention (and that includes empty stomach.) (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7) says “there is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven….. a time to be silent and a time to speak.”
- The most important thing
Most important of all, know and have a clear understanding of what your needs are before you approach others with them. This is especially true when communicating with males. Men get very frustrated when the problem keeps changing. Remember they are fixers so if you just need a listening ear and not necessarily advice, state that up-front before you start. Otherwise, after you have dismissed, several of his solutions, he will shut down and your next complaint will be that he never listens to you.
Most women naturally like to go over and over their problems, turn them over and examine them thoroughly before actively dealing with them. To most men, a problem is an opportunity for them to fix something, finish it, then move on. If you are still in the first stage of your problem, discuss it with your girlfriends. They enjoy and understand the process a whole lot more. Also remember that a man’s ego will be affected by how you react to his advice, so don’t ask for his advice if you are not going to consider following it.
Sometimes as women, it is hard to know exactly what is in our hearts, why we feel the way we do and what we really need. Don’t be quick to ignore God just because you have a husband. God is able to shine the light on our emotions. He can tell us what is going on with us better than anyone. He always gives the right advice and answers we need in a way that will surpass our expectations.
- Listening and learning
Empathic listening is a good technique to sharpen your listening skills. It stops you from preparing your responses before you have heard everything the other person has to say. If you are already preparing a response in your head before the other person has finished stating his case, you are not remaining open. This can lead to misunderstanding and even greater division. Take the time to listen to the other person and don’t cling to your own response so fiercely that you are distracted from the point. If your position is true and important, it will pour from your heart when it is your turn to speak.
- Avoid communication killers
Anger, pride, secrecy, judgemental attitude and quarrel are communication killers. (Proverbs 17:18) says “He who loves a quarrel loves sin, he who builds a high gate invites destruction.” Don’t shut yourself off.
I encourage you to be open, to love enough to be vulnerable. Be gently honest. Anticipate healing. Make reconciliation your goal. Jesus said, be willing to lay down your life, your pride, the “I”, the “me” of your existence to make a stronger “we.” It is not an “I am okay, you are okay” attitude, but “what can we do to make us work” philosophy. I believe this is the reason why “two becoming one” is such a mystery.
Every successful relationship requires dying to self and dying to self is difficult. Even though the results ultimately bring more joy, it is a painful process that occurs often, as you speak, as you submit, as you seek God’s best for your future together.
Rose Corner
…with Rose Hansey
